I’d like to start by apologizing for the delay in posts. It warms my heart to know that people actually read this thing. Sigh. You want to hear about Amsterdam right???? Hookers and weed, hookers and weed! Well to tell the story you first have to know the cast: Ryan (Gtown goes to UCL), Evan (Gtown goes to UCL), John (UNH goes to Regent’s?) and me (Gtown goes to KCL). Four broskis just looking for adventure because let’s be honest London’s boring right? I mean that’s why I had to ‘henge it up a couple weeks ago. Jk. I’m never leaving London ever again and here is why….
So I was invited to Amsterdam by Ryan because the guys needed a fourth person and I was convenient. I didn’t know what to expect. I was excited about taking a ferry boat to Amsterdam, but I wasn’t quite sure why. After all what’s in Amsterdam? I asked myself this questions many a time and hookers, weed and Anne Frank is all that came to mind. Oh and it’s the setting for Ocean’s 12, which is a terrible movie btw and disgraces the Ocean’s series. I even Wikipedia’d “Amsterdam” and found out there was a Van Gogh Museum. Cool. So I took off with my three compatriots with a vague idea of what we were going to do. The boat itself was like a floating hotel, but I found nasty clump of hair on my pillow so that put a damper on my experience. We arrived in Holland early Saturday morning and the place was foggy as s**t. The train to Amsterdam consisted of me trying to sleep, but remaining awake because a group of British guys who looked like they could’ve been cast members of The Jersey Shore were talking extremely loud about how awesome it was going to be to smoke weed and go to the Red Light District. They also talked about they’re friend who always gets drunk and beats the crap out of people. However they got their comeuppance for they were rejected access back into the UK presumably for trying to smuggle weed into the country. Boom.
So back to Amsterdam. Once we arrived we were instantly blasted with gusts of freezing cold wind. The weather was pretty miserable not gonna lie and it was so foggy that we couldn’t see any of the beautiful buildings. We decided to get some food and find the Anne Frank House. The first mistake we made was buying a Dutch map. The streets are already extremely difficult to navigate, but I personally don’t know Dutch and have no desire to learn it so I had no idea where we were going half of the time. Things worked out though and to be fair Amsterdam is a beautiful city. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing the canals and old buildings. If the weather was warmer and the people were a smidge nicer I think I might’ve had a positive experience. However what sticks with me now is one of two Dutch words I actually learned: “uitgang” which means “exit”. The whole time I was in Amsterdam I got the feeling that most Dutch people hated me and wanted me to leave their country; hence the title of this entry. To give you a picture of what Amsterdam is like, here is a review of each place I saw.
Rembrandt House
Positives- We saw a guy make paint and a guy make a print from an etching. It was pretty cool. The best part was seeing the beds that people slept in. They’re basically in a closet and are half the size of our beds because back in the day Dutch people slept sitting up for fear of blood rushing to their heads and killing them in their sleep.
Negatives- Wtf. There are no Rembrandt paintings in Rembrandt House! Ok so it’s where the famous artist lived and it had some of his etchings, but I definitely want my 6 Euros back.
Rating- Don’t go unless you really like Rembrandt.
Rijksmuseum
Positives- It was a very cool collection of Dutch artifacts and paintings, including Rembrandt’s famous Night Watch. I walked right into the gallery without giving a ticket or taking off my backpack. This sounds like it’s nbd, but the other guys can back me up when I say that Dutch people are obsessed with not allowing you to have backpacks near they’re stuff. I mean they don’t have much to begin with so they have to protect it. Also the coat check lady was the nicest person we met in the Netherlands.
Negatives- I could tell the security people already hated us, but then Ryan had to miss the exit of the revolving door and go around again thus drawing attention to our small group and making us look like idiots. Thanks Ryan. Then when we went to pay it cost 12.50 Euros! I asked the guy if there was a student discount to which he responded, “No.” So I gave him a twenty and he said, “Do you have exact change?” to which I said, “No, sorry.” He did not seem pleased at all. Next up was John who handed the Dutchman 15 Euros. The Dutchman asked, “You do not have exact change? This is not possible???” He was irritated and it was awkward. Additionally most of the museum is undergoing renovations.
Rating- The price is steep, but it’s worth seeing.
Van Gogh Museum
Positives- I wouldn’t know because I didn’t go in.
Negative- It costs 14 Euros to get in.
Rating- If I didn’t make the mistake of going to Rembrandt House I would’ve gone. Van Gogh is the man and cypress trees are crazy to see in real life.
Anne Frank House
Positives- We joked about Anne Frank House the whole way to Amsterdam, but it ended up being one of my favorite things to see. The price was 8 Euro? I can’t remember. Definitely go though. We arrived right when it opened so the crowd was manageable. The actually hideaway is larger than you’d expect. However I didn’t have to live there in fear with seven other people for several years.
Negatives- We were forced to wear our backpacks front-ways and looked like tools.
Rating- It’s a must see if you’re in Amsterdam.
Coffee Shops
Positives- Coffee shops in Amsterdam sell weed legally.
Negatives- I don’t really smoke weed and I’m not just saying that because my parents read this blog. Sadly I learned the hard way that Amsterdam has little to offer outside of activities that are illegal in the U.S. I was accosted by a crazy woman outside of Mellow Yellow. She asked if we spoke English and I responded cleverly with, “Italiano”. Unfortunately I think she was Italian and she then accosted me again in Italian.
Rating- Amsterdam is a pothead’s paradise. Take that as you will.
Red Light District
Positives- Still trying to figure it out.
Negatives- It’s extremely awkward. We walked through on a Sunday afternoon and there was absolutely nobody on the street. The scantily clad hookers were reading magazines in their windows. Ryan asked, “Do they live there?” I don’t think they do haha. I tried to look without making eye contact. John was walking next to me saying, “This is so awkward, this is so awkward. One just made eye contact with me, this is so awkward.” Having a husky prostitute stare at you from three feet away is quite the experience. I felt like the one in the window. Alas I made it through STD free.
Rating- An experience you probably won’t forget for better or for worse.
FreeMart
Positives- Everything is free.
Negatives- I don’t think it exists. We were at McDonald’s and the guy taking my order didn’t speak English and I obvi don’t speak much Dutch so we were having what you could call a communication breakdown. His coworker came over, took my order and said, “Would you like ketchup and mayonnaise?” I didn’t even think about it. Of course I wanted ketchup and hey mayonnaise tastes pretty good on a burger so I responded with, “Yes”. He then proceeded to ring up my ketchup and mayonnaise packets. Who charges for ketchup packets??? There’s only enough in there for three fries anyway. It’s a sin and I was not happy. “You charge for ketchup?!?!” I exclaimed. “What do you think this is?” he paused, “FreeMart?” and pointed out the door. For a second I considered the possibility that there might actually be a store down the street called FreeMart. I mean I was in the weirdest country on the face of this earth. Unfortunately for the world, I don’t think FreeMart exists. I wish it did so I wouldn’t have had to pay for ketchup.
Rating- If you find a FreeMart let me know.
In conclusion, Amsterdam and the Netherlands as a whole are weird. Everyone rides bicycles. They offer beer in sizes Small, Medium and Large but don’t give you a selection because they just assume that everyone drinks Heineken. We ate at an Italian restaurant and I asked the waiter what beers they had. I heard him say, “Any kind.” He walked away and I was confused as to why he didn’t ask me what kind I wanted. Then it slowly sank in that he said, “Heineken,” and I felt like a fool. Overall I feel like going to Amsterdam is something you have to do just to say you did it. It’s like prom. No self respecting guy actually wants to go to prom, but you think it’s something you have to do at least once so you go. And that’s how I feel about Amsterdam. I’m glad I went. It was definitely an adventure. However I was glad to “uitgang” the ferryboat and return to English soil.
-bretzel
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